Tree-Hugger / Polar Bear Advocate

In case this whole screenwriting thing doesn’t work out, I’m currently weighing my alternatives.  At the moment, my back-up career of choice is to become an environmental activist.

Now I don’t like the outdoors per se, but I’ve found that nature contributes greatly to my appreciation of the indoors.  When I am occasionally forced to venture outside, there is nothing better than coming home to my high-rise apartment where I can peer down at the world from my clean, air-conditioned living room.  I mean, if it weren’t for nature, I would totally take my apartment for granted.

Note: These are not actually my hands.  That would’ve required wandering into the woods and getting nature all over me.  I purchased this picture online.

My hatred of hiking and camping might cause some to question my commitment to the cause, but I swear I'm legit.  Whenever I see that Nissan LEAF commercial where the lone polar bear is stranded on a tiny chunk of ice, I feel melancholy for days.  I even had a nightmare involving that same polar bear and some of his North Pole penguin friends who were forced to flee the melting ice caps.  It was very upsetting.

When it comes to saving the environment, I already do what I can.  I’m a committed vegan 98% of the time.  I buy mostly organic and green products – even my mascara is made from rice bran.  I give dirty looks to people in the grocery store who opt for plastic.  My living room furniture is carved from sustainable mango wood.  I share a car with my husband and drive it like an old person, only to the grocery store and back.  If I ever own a house, I plan on having solar panels installed.  And if I can ever afford a private plane, I’ve already decided to follow the example of Leonardo DiCaprio and fly commercial instead.

I even have green experience on my resume.  I spent several years pricing wind energy projects.  In fact, my husband and I came up with a super cool model for wind-derived power when we were first dating.  Our relationship grew out of a shared love for green energy and mathematical equations!  How romantic is that?

Unfortunately, there’s a big problem with calling yourself an environmentalist.  It's almost impossible to not feel like a hypocrite.  Living in Texas, I’m an egregious user of air conditioning.  I still keep a can of Lysol to combat the smell of my husband’s hockey equipment.  And I’m too lazy to compost my vegetables.  To avoid feeling like a hypocrite, I would have to sell off all my possessions and live completely off-the-grid.  Having watched the True Life episode about living off-the-grid, I’m still haunted by the guy who broke down and stole a Coca-Cola from some campers, eventually giving a tearful confession.  I’m just not sure I’m ready to take it to that level.  Although... it might help me to get my memoir published.  I’ve wanted to read Doug Fine’s humorous memoir about living off-the-grid ever since I found out that he kicked off the whole experiment by purchasing some goats on craigslist.

I guess I’ll give this studio executive two more weeks to contact me before I go the other way and start purchasing livestock.