2011: Sure To Be My Most Productive Year Ever

Since it’s the last day of 2010, I should probably take stock of my accomplishments over the past year. Let’s see, I know I must’ve accomplished something…   Well, I did attend my first writers’ conference, where I pitched a humorous memoir to a number of literary agents who all encouraged me to start a blog. Then, I started a blog.  And a few months later, I managed to get one of my humorous essays published in a real magazine for actual money!  I also pitched my screenplay to a big-shot studio executive who said he’d call but never did.  And, um, that’s about it.  I was kind of hoping to make more progress, considering that I don’t have a job to distract me from my career goals.  I mean, what the hell was I doing with all of my time?

Oh, that’s right – I was watching television.  According to the latest Nielsen study, the average American watches 4.8 hours of television per day.  I’m not sure if I watch that much, but I have been known to spend an entire evening watching back-to-back reality shows.  I've already confessed that watching television is one of my worst habits.  In the past, I've defended myself by asserting that, as a humor writer, I’m required to keep up with pop culture.  But I suppose that, in theory, I could leave my apartment and converse with a real person.

If I did give up television, just think of all the free time I would have!  In 2011, I would have an additional 1,000+ hours with which to accomplish my career goals!  Now, I don’t have the mental fortitude to face an entire year without television, but I figure I can start with 30 days and then reevaluate.

If I actually want to do this, I should probably establish some ground rules.  So... I'm not allowed to watch any television shows, reality or otherwise, and that includes online content and DVDs.  But I am allowing myself to watch the occasional feature-length film, since the social life of a 30-year-old consists almost entirely of going to the movie theater with equally boring couple friends.  That being said, I will limit myself to two films per week.  The only other exception is that I’m allowed to go to a bar during Saints playoff games, but I promise to close my eyes during the commercials.

Having fully committed to the idea, I went to break the news to my husband.  I knew he'd be thrilled.  He didn’t own a television when we met and blames me for ruining his productivity.  About an hour ago, I walked into his office and announced that I had made a New Year’s Resolution that he was going to love. Before I could continue, he asked if I was going to stop wearing my hideous blue pajama shorts.  So now I have two resolutions: to not watch any TV for 30 days and to wear those "hideous blue shorts" as much as possible.

I was hoping to make the most of these last few hours by watching as much television as possible, but unfortunately, I already agreed to host a New Year’s Eve party tonight, so my afternoon is reserved for cleaning and cooking and decorating.  I invited everyone I know in Austin, so that makes 3-7 people. Should be a total rager.  I hope no one calls the cops.

I’m probably overdoing it with the preparations, but my past failures as a hostess have made me paranoid. The last time I threw a party, I started drinking several hours beforehand, and at around midnight, I thought to myself, “I’m starving!  Why doesn’t this party have any food?”  Then I realized that I had forgotten to put out the appetizers.  I ended up eating the entire cheese plate the next day, by myself.

This time, I’m putting everything out in advance.  The upside of only having a handful of friends is that you’re not afraid to break out the good stuff.  Whoever does come over tonight will be feasting on organic chocolate truffles, taking shots of Patrón Silver, and toasting with the most expensive champagne that Target sells.

And at the stroke of midnight, my guests will have the privilege of witnessing the start of my television boycott.  I get excited just thinking about all of the productive things that I might do tomorrow, after my horrible hangover wears off.  Stay tuned!